Part I. Loss

We all lose our innocence in different ways, at different times, in different amounts. It comes with a shocking realization that the world is darker than we once imagined. There was always a knowledge that the world was bad, but now the world is personally bad. We start to see that sometimes good fails, sometimes evil wins out. The loss is gradual for most of life: the moment we realize grown-ups lie, the moment our friends stab us in the back for the first time, the moment we debate over lying to spare feelings or being honest and causing pain. But real loss comes in large moments filled with pain and grief and humiliation. We begin to see darkness all around. The goodness has turned to vapor, it seems to evaporate. What is not realized till later is that we have also awakened part of ourselves. We now see our darkness in a new dimension. We are aware of our emptiness and lack of light. In this realization there is panic, confusion, and a choice.