I want the Weather, but I hate the Weather

I'm sick of California because it's always 80 degrees and sunny. But if I lived in Indiana I'd be sick of it because it's freezing, always freezing. So maybe I'm just constantly un-content. 

It's a struggle to stay in one place. When people say they never want to move, I start feeling claustrophobic for them. I don't want to live anywhere for more than two years. I'm addicted to change. I want my hair long and short and five different colors, I want enough shoes to wear a different one to suit every mood, I want to stay home and go out at the same time, I want to live here, and not here. For some reason I thought it was college restlessness, but it turns out it's just life restlessness. Maybe I'm just not where I'm supposed to be, but I'm starting to believe that there is no where I'm supposed to be. I miss too many places. I want too many things. I've lost too many alternate lives. I have too many paths to take. And so all I want is change.

(I really hope my future boss isn't reading this, I'm reliable I promise)

Dear Jars of Clay,

I grew up on your music. Jars of Clay was on repeat until every line was memorized by the whole family. We'd have multiple CDs of yours in our car on road-trips, and every time a new album came out we played it over and over.

I wanted you to know that your lyrics have had such a powerful influence on my life. Being raised a missionary kid in Taiwan, I was never short of "churchisms" and right answers. Your music touched me because it asked the questions I asked. Maybe that is what is so powerful about what you do. You are not afraid to say you're broken and afraid and lost. You are not afraid to ask why.

When I was younger I thought when I grew up I'd understand. I still don't. And before I was married, I thought I would no longer be afraid. I am still afraid. But your music has given me the freedom to admit that. To admit that I am broken and afraid and lost.

I'm sure neither of us actually have answers, but hope does not reside in answers. Hope resides in love and acceptance and being able to admit the truth. Our honest questions are what brings the light.

Thank you. Never stop asking, never stop breaking, never stop hoping.

Part I. Loss

We all lose our innocence in different ways, at different times, in different amounts. It comes with a shocking realization that the world is darker than we once imagined. There was always a knowledge that the world was bad, but now the world is personally bad. We start to see that sometimes good fails, sometimes evil wins out. The loss is gradual for most of life: the moment we realize grown-ups lie, the moment our friends stab us in the back for the first time, the moment we debate over lying to spare feelings or being honest and causing pain. But real loss comes in large moments filled with pain and grief and humiliation. We begin to see darkness all around. The goodness has turned to vapor, it seems to evaporate. What is not realized till later is that we have also awakened part of ourselves. We now see our darkness in a new dimension. We are aware of our emptiness and lack of light. In this realization there is panic, confusion, and a choice.