Go Home

Once upon a time I went to church and they told the story of the prodigal son.

Which I have heard over and over and over, but I needed to hear once again.

And I heard there how he had run, and he had ended up with the pigs. Actual pigs. Living with them, wanting to eat what they ate because he was starving. 

And I looked at my life and I saw that I was there, with the pigs. That I had traded my values and all my self-worth for a false sense of security. I was in search of someone to want me enough to take care of me. Because I thought God had neglected me and I needed worth somewhere else. But I was sick of being with the pigs. I was tired of being cared about for all the wrong reasons. I was exhausted from the games and the emptiness and from hating life and from pretending I was okay, and that I was surviving.

So I got up.

And I’ve been walking ever since, trying to find my way back home.

And the shame and the guilt that has occupied my life, is starting to fade. Because I think I have finally realized that God does not just love me now, God loved me then. When I was still wallowing in the mud with pigs. God loved me at my very lowest, and I know how low my lowest was. And I hated myself there, but He still loved me, and others hated me there, but He still loved me.

Why I must leave you.

Leaving is the better choice.
A plane ride, a car trip
A new adventure

Staying is silence.
Empty places, empty moments
Empty memories

When I go, I'll shed some tears.
I'll miss the adventures,
I'll miss your laugh.
But I'll be gone.

I won't have to see the places
Where we ate together
And talked together
And lived together.

I won't have to remember everyday
What it feels like
With this space filled
By your presence.

Instead,
I will go forward.
To a new place,
Building a new life.

And I will fill the empty
With all things new.
This is why you can't leave me.
This is why I must leave you.

Why I Needed California

EDIT: I feel I should specify: most of these things were true of the San Diego area. I cannot vouch for any ideas or activities in other parts of the state.

Near the end of my senior year of college, I began searching for where I should head next. Like a large portion of my graduating class, I didn't have a job lined up and I could head, well, anywhere. When I first started thinking about coming out to California, I heard a loud resounding descent. Supposedly I was going to hate living out in Cali. It is the kind of place that is better in the imagination. But with encouragement from a few important people, I decided to try it out. I don’t want to live out here forever, especially not in the hot desert of Riverside. But I am extremely grateful that I moved here. These are my reasons:

1.  I needed warm weather. I was young and single and freezing in long Indiana winters. I needed some warmth. (For more on where to live in certain stages of life: http://nthculture.blogspot.com/2013/09/where-to-move.html) 
   
   
   
2. California is by far the most outgoing place I have ever been. Everyone talks to you, everyone becomes friends with you. Not in the deep life-long friend way, only two of my friends from California came to my wedding, but in the fun, un-exclusive way of community. I could meet someone one weekend, and be invited to their birthday party the next. Everyone was included, everyone was invited. It was so refreshing.
   
3. This hill behind my grandparents house in Alpine is one of the best places to feel at peace, and to have a small piece of home:
   
   
   
4. You can wear whatever you want out here. No one looks twice at the kid with the helmet covered in cloth spikes walking around the mall, no one wonders about the girl with five facial piercings, and no one cares if you are just wearing jeans. I could wear thigh high boots without judgment, I could wear heels with shorts, and I could ignore brushing my hair for three days and just pull it back. It’s also the first place I lived where no one asked me why I didn't wear makeup. There’s a large amount of freedom when people accept you no matter what you look like.
   
   
5.  Instead of being on the liberal end of the scale as I was in Indiana, I was pretty conservative. I was not the most ‘out there’ person. My opinions were somewhat normal for this area of the country. The people that disagreed with me did it inquisitively, not with judgment.
   
6. I got married. I can’t recommend you move out to California just to find (or in my case re-find) the love of your life, but it worked out nicely for me. It helped that I had a slight plan to be persistently patient. It has been the best blessing of my time here. Although, there is quite a large array of people here so meeting the love of your life isn't all that unlikely.
   

California, I will always love the time I spent here. Thank you for your sunshine, oceans, and most of all, people.